Nope, you don't get to tell me how to feel.

According to the information on this page, it has been a whopping year and a couple of months since I wrote a blog post. What the hell!! How has it been that long! I actually still remember writing it. Life is busy, and holy shit, it goes by fast. I have a pile of drafts sitting, waiting to be finished. But today, instead of finishing one of the almost-ready-to-go pieces, I wanted to write about something that was on my mind all day yesterday.


  Yesterday started off for me teaching a class at Inner Dawn. I came home to breakfast made by my husband, a tea ready to drink, kids waiting at the door to throw their arms around me and say hello. After breakfast I had an amazing chat with a friend that I haven't been connecting with as much lately. Sounds like a pretty great morning. Sounds like the kind of post we see on social media all the time. And, it was in fact a great morning, a great breakfast, a great talk. But the talk stirred up some old feelings in me. These feelings that I have been consciously pushing down for years. These feelings come up for me when I hear certain phrases; certain words. Words that, when they have been directed at me, have made me feel that I am not grateful enough.

  I remembering having a conversation one day a few years ago. Someone had mentioned that I had 4 kids. Someone else made the obligatory comment of "Wow, how do you manage that?  Your house must be crazy!?" And I, being awkward and honest, replied with "Sometimes it isn't crazy, sometimes it is. When it get crazy, I just remember that one day, they will be all grown up, and move out." I was immediately met with a scowl, and a phrase that I have come to loathe...

"What!!  You should enjoy every minute!!!"

  Ummmm, actually, no, I don't have to enjoy every minute. I am happy with the fact that I enjoy the experience as a whole. There is no part of me that feels the need to enjoy every, single, individual experience. In fact, I guess, if I want to turn to my yoga practice for inspiration, I shouldn't prefer or dislike any part of it (you know, the whole non attachment thing). I will always openly admit that there are parts in my day with my children that I look forward to getting past. I do also realize however, that these moments that are hard for me, are also the moments that allow me to learn, and to grow - as a mom, as a woman, as a yogi, as a human.  And i that doesn't jive for you, if you are part of the train of thought that we should "enjoy every moment" then awesome!! I am more than happy to agree to disagree. If you honestly enjoy every moment, then who am I to tell you not to. Just remember that it goes both ways. 

  I have come across a few articles lately, talking about this "mom drinking wine" culture, the memes that blow up our newsfeed, and that most of us have shared at lease once. Now, this is only my opinion, but maybe these memes are a way of some people saying how hard it is being a mom, without saying how hard it is. Sometimes, if we talk about what we are really going through, we come across as ungrateful, or resentful. I say with all sincerity, that every single day, I am indeed grateful for my family, for my husband, for my children, for my parents, and my siblings (both biological, and through marriage). And I love them all. But that doesn't mean that there are never upset feelings, or hard conversations, or even arguments. Being grateful every day, for me, doesn't mean being happy and enjoying every single moment of that day. For me, it just means that at some point, even on the hardest, shittiest days, I need to find something that I am grateful for. Maybe that gratitude is for the challenge and the growth. Maybe I can't find anything else in my day that I enjoyed. Maybe, just maybe, my gratitude is that the situation has indeed passed. Maybe if we were allowed to share our struggles without being judged so ferociously, people would open up a little bit more often, and less people would feel alone...